1. “Résumé” is French for “summary.”
So summarize your life! Start as early as you can remember. My first
memory is getting separated from my mom at a grocery store. I know what
you’re thinking: is that important enough to list on a resume? Yes, it
is. Employers want to hear about every little detail. Don’t be scared to
shrink the font down and add a few pages so you can include everything.
2.
Make some things up. Let’s face it — you’re not the most qualified
candidate for this position. You devote six hours a week to a collegiate
a capella group while some 20-year-olds are trying to cure cancer. So
you may need to embellish a little to get your foot in the door. For
example, my resume says I’m fluent in French and I invented 3-D
printing. But here’s the thing: my French is terrible. Make it up!
3.
Include a letter of recommendation from your parents. They want you to
succeed more than anybody! So who better to endorse you to future
employers? Otherwise, the folks in human resources will never hear what a
“rare find” you are. And they’re definitely looking for a “precious,
beautiful and caring baby girl” to get them coffee.
4.
Choose a silly font. Hey, we’re all just trying to have fun. Employers
appreciate wacky choices, especially when it comes to font type. Show
them your goofy side by using “Chalkduster” or “Cracked.” They might say
they want Arial 12-point font, but they really want “Chiller.”
5.
Use a false name. Imagine telling your interviewer that your name is
actually “Matt James” after writing “Robert Bigly” on your resume.
She’ll be like, “What? Why would you lie about that?” Immediate
conversation starter! Once again, it’s all about getting your foot in
the door. She might think you’re a compulsive liar, but at least she’s
thinking about you.
6.
Don’t brag about your skills. Be modest. Instead of saying, “Knows
Microsoft Excel,” say, “Sort of knows Microsoft Excel.” Saying “Pretty
good at communication” and “Alright with social media” shows employers
you don’t think too highly of yourself. If they ask you about these
skills at the interview you can shrug and say, “It’s nothing special.”
What a breath of fresh air.
7.
Use the conditional tense. What sounds more interesting: “Taught
Spanish to disadvantaged children,” or “May have taught Spanish to
disadvantaged children”? People will read that and think, “What the hell
did she teach those disadvantaged children? Does she not remember
teaching them Spanish? Is it a secret?” They’ll be so confused they will
have to give you an interview to set the record straight.
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